Beautiful Chaos

 

We are constantly reminded not to worry so much. (Good advice, but hear me out...) 

Anxiety is like a disease that you can treat but never fully goes away. Some of us can't help it. We're always wondering if next week will be easier. Or tomorrow. I can't sleep until I check the stove several times, because did I check it ENOUGH? I have to make sure no candles or wax warmers are still on. The dogs are inside. Water dishes are full. The dryer is off. The doors are good and locked. Kit is safe and breathing. He's not too cold.The monitor is on full blast in case he cries. Check. Check. Check again. I still feel sick when I think of embarrassing moments from 10 years ago. When we go on vacation, I spend the entire time stressing about whether the house is still there or not. Why? If you have to ask why, count yourself lucky. My entire life, people have told me to just relax. I can't count the number of times someone looked at me like I have three heads because I'm panicking over nothing.

This has been the best and worst year of my life. We welcomed a beautiful baby boy into our lives. Then my brother passed away. We couldn't have a real service for him because of Covid. My sister and Jared's sister are getting ready to have babies. We're working on the house and changes are happening everywhere. When I say I can't breathe, I mean it. I have to actively remind myself to breathe. I don't know what the future holds, and that is scary. Add to that being a new mom, and having two big dogs.

Kit has been teething for 3 months. No teeth are even showing yet. Whatever we do that makes him feel better, it lasts a matter of minutes. My anxiety tells me that I must be doing something wrong. Am I a bad mom? Why is he still crying? I have to stop, close my eyes, and tell myself everything is okay. Maybe I've already done that twenty times today. This is a natural thing, and I'm doing my best with what I have. But it feels awful when I can't soothe my own baby.

Today, we packed him up and went to Lowe's. Lots of home projects to finish! Well, he didn't want to go. We're in the parking lot, and Jared goes in by himself while I feed Kit in the back seat. He hasn't napped for more than 10 minutes at a time, in over a week. Poor little guy. :(

Kit bites now. Wait what? He has no teeth. Why are you complaining about biting? He bites HARD. And does jumping jacks while eating. And if that fails to get my attention, he grabs a fistful of my hair and pulls as hard as he can. Even if it's up, he manages to get a good amount of it pulled out. Below is his face after he pulled my hair and I lost it and started bawling. Listen, it wasn't just that. This is after a whole week of this. I needed a good cry. And you know what? It helped.

2020, the year I will never forget. 

Kit is sitting in my lap, blowing spit bubbles and making cute little baby noises to cheer me up. It's working!